And I have achieved not one of my goals. I’ve been going through a crazy zombie depression, even though I have some awesome things happening to me right now. I can’t seem to pull out of it. There is a lot of change brewing in my life, most of it is good, the transition is rough ect… But when I worry, I eat, when I eat, I overeat and the I completely go off my healthy lifestyle radar because of self hate, self doubt, guilt and negativity.
Only once did I notice myself/emotions flying off the handle, dealt with them by taking a soothing bath and listening to raindrop meditation music then I hit my workout like a champ. Realizing that I was getting worked up, over stressed and distraught over nothing was an eye opener. I went from happy/level headed to my life is falling apart in like 5 minutes. I could feel the adrenaline pulsing. All because some cashier was incredibly rude to little quiet and sweet ole me.
Why would I let some ignorant bitch’s words throw my whole day? Urge me to drop all of my happy healthy plans for the day and instead get stoned and pig out on cupcakes. I think it’s a bit of my inner child coming through. My mother was intensely verbally abusive and I was never allowed my own voice. I think I fell apart and beat myself up. Over feeding myself was a way to punish and comfort myself all at once.
Talk about a deadly drug. Food can be just as addictive as cocaine.
I just need to be aware and proactive ALL of the time, not just once every 6 months. Sometimes I feel like its so much work to deal with my emotional problems. IE running a soothing bath and taking the time to let myself re center vs. ordering a mcdouble with cookies and diet coke.
Right now honestly the bath sounds better, but in those moments my mind wants to rely on the old favorites, sugar, a super full belly and abusive self talk.
I am also pulling myself into a space of appreciation. Instead of looking at myself with disgust, looking to others for approval, I am trying to see the beauty that is me, NOW, not 50 pounds from now, not in my “dream life”.
My life has been cold, hard, broken and full of no one really giving a shit. But why do I think I should not give a shit about myself? Why should I convince myself that I am ugly or gross or a complete slob?
I need to love myself first and that is where I am at.
I think I’m going to take it 5 pounds at a time. With each goal having a corresponding healthy reward aka new sandals, a bike ride to the lake front cafe for a healthy wrap and sangria, a tattoo, a new dress, ect…
I want to blog every day.
I’m finding my groove and finding the healthy lifestyle that flows best with how my emotions fluctuate throughout the day.
I’m finding evening workouts work better for me, in the mornings if I have a workout I feel stressed as soon as I wake up, I think for me I need a calm, contemplative and peaceful morning.
Goals to come!
